I'll Never Play a Prank Again
by pinkgrapefruit
Summary: A filk on the song "I'll Never Fall In Love Again".


I'll Never Play a Prank Again

Disclaimer: This flik is based on the song "I'll Never Fall In Love Again" by Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello. I do not own the song or the characters of this story, which belong to J.K. Rowling.

~

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Harry limps into the Gryffindor common room, looking horrid. His nose is bloody and his white school shirt is stained red. His glasses are askew, hanging off one ear, hopelessly mangled. His eye is starting to turn blue-black. Hermione and Ron rush to his side. The other Gryffindors gather around, plainly curious about what happened. Hermione tsks and begins fixing the glasses, and Harry sighs and begins his tale.

What do you get when you beat up Goyle? 

A fist in your face, a bloody nose. 

__

Ron nodds sympathetically and says

Don't ever challenge oversized foes.

__

Harry shakes his head miserably in regret.

I'll never take on Goyle again 

I'll never take on Goyle again 

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Harry and Ron are scrubbing cauldrons in the dungeons. They are surrounded by their fans (well, Harry's fans) who try and comfort them as they scour the tough stains that line the insides of the cauldron. Ron heaves a sigh as he leans against the side of a soapy cauldron. He explains their situation to the fans.

What do you get when you curse Malfoy 

Right in the middle of Snapey's lesson? 

All that you'll get is a week's detention 

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His face turns red with anger when Malfoy saunters up to them, with his bully-boys Crabbe and Goyle lumbering behind him. An evil snicker is heard.Ron's hands ball into fists and Harry looks up from his cauldron in alarm. He puts a restraining arm on Ron's shoulder. Ron grits his teeth and mutters,

I'll get him in the hallway next time 

I'll get him in the hallway next time 

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Malfoy returns with his entourage, with the addition Pansy, hanging on his arm with a look of adoration on her face as she gazes at him. Malfoy swaggers around them, gloating, while Harry's fans, mostly girls (what did you expect?), curl their lip in disgust at Pansy's lack of taste. Ron lashes out at his nemesis.

Wipe that smirk off your faces, losers, 

'Cause I've seen you in bright pink boxers. 

__

Malfoy turns as pink as those supposed boxers and Pansy falls of his arm in shock. Crabbe and Goyle are still trying to figure out if that was an insult. The Harry Fans are giggling. A sinister shadow looms over the group. The musty smell of mildew announces the presence of Professor Snape. The fans move aside, and Malfoy smirks again at the two boys. Ron stutters

Sorry, Professor, I didn't see you 

__

Snape pinches Ron's ear and pulls him off to his office. He looks back at the fans and winks, singing

That is why I'm here to remind you …

__

Ron and Hermione walks out of McGonagall's office, looking very depressed. Ron explains to a worried Harry.

What do you get when McGonagall 

Catches you kissing in the hallway 

Five hundred points, gone in one day 

I'll never neck my girl again 

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Harry looks extremely surprised and rather shocked, but recovers quickly and manages to give a very red Hermione a congratulatory pat on the back. (You go, girl!)

I'll never neck- 

__

Ron stops in mid-song when Hermione suddenly glares daggers at him. She advances, a meancing growl escaping her throat. Harry slowly backs away, as it is obvious that a lovers' spat was going to erupt. The door to McGonagall's office opens, just as Hermione starts yelling at Ron. A soft "ahem" silenced her, and she slowly turned around, her head bowed. McGonagall said not a word, merely motioned to Hermione to enter her office. A glum Hermione muttered her apology

Sorry, Professor, I didn't see you. 

__

McGonagall smiles grimly. The door closes, and Harry and Ron only manage to catch the words

That is why I'm here to remind you …

__

Harry, Ron and Hermione are walking in the corridors. Most of the other Gryffindors are ignoring them while the Slytherins snigger as they pass by.Hermione sings mournfully

What do you get when you lose house points 

A mob of Gryffs inflicting pain and sorrow

__

Ron interrupts her 

So for at least until tomorrow 

I'll never play a prank again 

I'll never play a prank again 

I'll never play a prank again 

__

Ron brings his crossed fingers out from behind his back. *wink*

~fin!~


End file.
